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Professor Harlebut believed that hot water was the defining characteristic of human civilization. “It’s what separates us from the savages. From the beasts, no less!” he was often heard to say at cocktail parties.
As he lounged in the bathtub catching up on his reading, he considered the possibility that the entire trajectory of human evolution had been established by the temperature of the pool of slime where the first amino acids congregated. He was absolutely convinced that the puddle in question had been warm. He used the big toe of his right foot to twist the handle labeled H. He settled deeper into the sudsy water. …more
Somewhere in the middle of the twenty-third century, it became fashionable to take on a new name whenever a generation was added to one’s family. Names were increasingly a matter of personal style, used to commemorate the landmark events of one’s life, as a form of hero-worship, to curry favor with a patron, or to express one’s distinct individual taste. They became long and unwieldy, and people relied more and more frequently on initials for everyday use, if for no other reason than to keep the size of business cards manageable.
Then in 2298, the poet Alonzo W. J. F. P. H. F. McKenzie started a confusing new trend when he became the first member of his generation to adopt the name of one of his noteworthy descendants. Upon the birth of his first great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter, …more
I am going blind. As much as everyone would like to convince me that I will acquire some kind of new, metaphorical vision—a gift, really, an inner sight, a heightening of the other senses, blah, blah, blah—the fact remains: I am going blind.
At the support group last night, I heard for the umpteenth time about adaptive technologies, reading Braille, about people and machines and organizations that can help me. I am trying to help myself. The thing I’m most afraid of losing is my independence.
This morning, I made a trip to buy groceries. …more
Your Lordship, Madame President, my esteemed colleagues, ladies and gentlemen: You have by now read the report of the field team assigned to observe Species 287B, and I do not wish to take up the valuable time of this conclave in further discussion of the recommendations of that report. I ask indulgence, however, to draw your attention to some of my own observations of the subject species and to ask you to consider the broader question of the relevance of our Charter to this particular case.
As you are aware, our evolutionary anthropologists theorize that every race of beings that approaches sentience …more
Dear sir:
Next creation? If you’ll pardon my French, you have got to be out of your blessed MIND! Have you completely forgotten how we reached the impasse at which we now find ourselves?
Let Me refresh your memory. The last time you decided to try your hand at creation, I attempted to outline for you a number of suggestions in the form of a PowerPoint presentation that you chose to completely disregard. I believe that My ideas were very reasonable, and as you will probably recall My saying (since you are omniscient and whatnot), …more
I wouldn’t be in this mess if I knew all the rules of invisibility. Okay, that’s not strictly true. I’m here waiting for my dad to post bail because I pinched a video game from Radio Shack. I think with another lesson, I probably wouldn’t have gotten busted.
Let me back up.
I didn’t even know that there were rules of invisibility until last week, when I met Jerry. Jerry was the first guy I’ve known who can make himself invisible, like me. When I figured that out about him, he told me that if I kept his secret, he’d tell me about the rules.
“Rules?” I asked. …more
I wake to the sensation of pain—pain in my shoulders and elbows, in my ankles, a dull ache in the back of my head. I try to shift my weight, and that’s when I realize that I can barely move. It’s not that my limbs aren’t capable, but I have the dawning awareness that I’m held fast. I am bound in some way.
I’m in darkness, and as I attempt to drag myself toward consciousness, I feel the coarse fabric of the blindfold against my cheeks. Next, I am aware of the material in my mouth. Made of burlap or some kind of sackcloth, it tastes of mildew, dust, and blood. Something trickles across my forehead. …more
Tonight his comrades are patrolling up near the logging camp. They haven’t taken Klein along because it’s a dangerous assignment, and he’s still worth too much to them as a hostage, even though they—and he—have long since stopped thinking of him primarily as a hostage.
He stays in the camp and cooks a bland meal of corn cakes and red beans to keep himself busy, and so his captors will have something warm to eat when they return from their reconnaissance mission in the cold, damp hills. He warms the canned beans a little over a propane stove and cooks the corn barely long enough …more
Dear Bunny Rabbit,
What do you see when you look up from the leaves you’re nibbling and watch me passing? Why is it that on some nights, you dash for the woods? I never bring any dogs or children to frighten you, so I hope maybe we can be friends.
Tonight you looked pretty content as I walked by on the trail. I thought about a lot of things I’d like to say to you. But I know that you have a short attention span, so rather than go on and on, I wrote a tiny poem for you. I hope you like it:
Little rabbit friend,
munch without worry tonight.
Dine in grassy calm.
Note: A strange assignment: write a letter to an animal. I thought about writing to one of my late, lamented pets, but most of what I have to say to them is too private and personal to publish here. So I wrote a note to one of my casual animal acquaintances instead.
© 2008 Edward F. Gumnick
I have always wondered if people who are going insane know that they’re going insane. That’s a question that’s kept me up nights for a lot of years. Sometimes late at night I watch for signs of instability in myself, but I’m not sure if I’ll recognize them.
I have always wondered if I snore, so last weekend, I set up a video camera in my bedroom to see if I could catch myself in the act. When I woke up in the morning to review the tape, I discovered something much more interesting than whether I snore. I found out that while I sleep, my dog moves the books around on the bookshelves. I wouldn’t have believed it, except I’ve send the evidence on the videotape. There he is, standing on his hind legs, one paw braced against a shelf, …more
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