Exercise #28: Movie Star

Hollywood, CA—Entertainment industry sources are buzzing today with the gossip that the world’s last remaining noncelebrity, Phil Stackfield, a tax accountant from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, is engaged to become the fifth husband of model, country singer, and celebrity cage-fighting phenom Darla Chartreuse. Chartreuse, 27, who began life as Darlene Carter, is the platinum-blonde star attraction of Fox Ultra Reality Channel’s Celebrity Death Match and the singer-songwriter who scored Grammy gold last year with the crossover smash hit, “Baby Ain’t No Use.”

Little is known about Stackfield, 38, a graduate of Linn County Community College, except that the accounting firm in which he’s an associate is a member of the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce, and he professes to like spending time outdoors, playing video games, and hanging out with his friends. His secretive relationship with Darla Chartreuse began three years ago when the country diva’s tour bus experienced transmission failure outside a diner on I-80 where Stackfield was eating creamed chipped beef on toast.

Chartreuse admits to having been charmed by the fact that Stackfield was the only diner patron not live-tweeting his meal or shooting cell-phone video of himself. In a March interview with Ellen Degeneres, she described Stackfield as “quirky and cute in that offbeat way people sometimes get when they spend a lot of time off-camera.”

A spokesperson for Chartreuse said that the singer is writing at her Nashville home and couldn’t be reached for comment.

© 2010 Edward F. Gumnick